How to tell if your husband is cheating on you.

Jack Neo isn't the only husband to stray when he already has a fabulous wife by his side. Wondering if yours is too? Here are 9 red flags that you should look out for!

It’s been a while.  Your hubby has been a bit distracted. You are not entirely certain, and you don’t want to be too suspicious but you can’t help wondering: Is he cheating on me?

Citrix Chee, a counsellor from the Kang Ren Counselling Services has seen her fair share of cheating spouses.  She shares that the main reasons for infidelity are the husbands’ inability to resist the advances from China ladies, or temptations from female colleagues, but she also adds that communication barrier between the couple and unavailability of the wife as a sexual partner to the husband are also contributing factors to extramarital affairs.

When a man is unfaithful to his wife, there is generally an increase in secrecy, abnormal changes in behaviour and attitude and an unexplained distance between the two of you. Here are some clues to look out for if you suspect your trust is being betrayed:

1. “How good do I look?” When your man suddenly becomes overly concerned with his looks, he is either coming out of the closet, going through a midlife crisis or cheating on you. Either way, it probably spells trouble.  Observe his sudden change in grooming habits such as getting or changing to a new cologne, obsession with going to the gym, or getting a new hairstyle or wardrobe. Be mindful if he acts like a teenager going on his first date.
2. “I have to work.” Watch out for any sudden changes to his work schedule, for example is he working late or travelling more than usual? The work commitments are usually not in the office and he is snappish whenever you try to inquire about his schedule. A cheating man doesn’t want to be accountable for his whereabouts.
3. “I need to answer this call or email. It’s urgent.” Is he taking calls at irregular hours of the day or night? Does he drop his voice or answer in a softer tone when he takes particular calls? Loud warning bells should go off if your husband suddenly begins to excuse himself and takes his calls privately, out of your hearing range, and not giving you any plausible reasons for the calls. Or if he begins to spend excessive amounts of time on the computer, answering emails or replying to face book comments (that are not yours).
4. “Please don’t touch my cell phone.” Does he password protect his cell phone, computer, email and or Facebook account? The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, or cell phone texts So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer.
5. “I want more or no sex.” Another symptom of infidelity is a change in sexual desire. Cheating husbands will often stop having sex with their wives or suddenly want to have more.  The latter is usually to assuage their guilt.
6. “I need some space or alone time.” A man who has betrayed his marriage covenant may act aggressively towards his wife.  He may start to pick fights or find faults with her to justify his reason for having his affair. If your husband has a sudden adverse change in attitude towards you, your family or home life, your guard should go up.
7. “Where has the money gone?” If your husband suddenly has no money to spend on you, your children or your family, you should be concern. Having an affair is costly, requiring your husband to spend money on flowers, wining & dining, gifts or dirty weekends away. But some husbands are crafty and will make use of company expenses or become adept at hiding their expenses from you.  Check his wallet for unexplainable receipts or look for more obvious signs like random purchases or unfamiliar scents on his body or clothes.
8. “Why are you carrying a condom?” Look out for physical clues of an affair such as lipstick on shirt collars, perfume odours on shirts or jackets, secretion stains on underwear. Are there unexplained bits of paper, receipts, and condoms in his pockets?
9. “Something is just not right.” Sometimes, despite all your precaution, it might be hard to track a devious cheater. Trust your intuition or gut feeling if something is not right.  Whether your husband is cheating on you or not, your investigations may lead to new discoveries.

But if you are still not sure, or you know that he IS cheating on you, here are a few websites to help you catch your cheating spouse.

• geylangchecker.blogspot.com – a female vigilante website exposing men for cheating with prostitutes.
• www.dpquest.com –  a detective agency that will help you get concrete evidence against your cheating spouse.
• www.catchcheatingspouse.org.sg/ – a portal that supplies a list of private investigators in Singapore

There is nothing worse or more difficult than the realization or suspicion that the one person whom you trusted and loved most is cheating on you.  According to the Statistics on Marriages and Divorces, 2010, divorces among Singaporeans are still high; especially those aged 35 – 44.   Couples who were married for up to 10 years accounted for the largest group of divorces last year.  97% of these applicants cited “unreasonable behaviour” and “having lived apart or separated for three years or more” as main reasons for divorce.

But not all infidelity cases end up in the Divorce Courts.  Chee says that couples can choose counselling as recourse but the success of these sessions depends on several factors:

1) The initial communication between the couple before the affair started.  If the husband had felt abused emotionally or psychologically by the wife and found solace in the “other” woman, he may not wish to continue the relationship with his wife.

2) The reason the affair began in the first place – was it one-time faux pas, sexual frustration at home or a long-term affair with the lover. “It all depends on the mom,” Chee says. “Usually the female wants to save the relationship; if it is a first offence, the wife is more willing to forgive.  However, if it is repeated offences, the marriage is often dissolved.”

3) Are there children involved? Children play an integral part in the reconciliation process.  According to Chee, couples with children under 5 years old are more open to reconcile or manage their relationship with counselling, whereas those with grown up children are more likely to separate.

If you wish to know more about marriage counselling, check out this list of services here.

This article first appeared in theAsianparent.com.

10 craziest husbands - yours ain't that bad

You know what they say; love is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.

If you’re mad at your husband again for working overtime or not helping out with the kids, or forgetting your anniversary, let it go. These transgressions are minor compared to the crazy things THESEhusbands do.

Crazy Husband #1 – The Serial Cheater

Now, we all know that some men cheat, but these men give new meaning to the word “infidelity”.  There is no lapse in judgement; no irresistible temptations.  Serial cheaters live with the delusion that all women are in love with them.   Their cheating is calculated, deliberate and unconscionable.  It is difficult to spot a serial cheater as they are the ones who always call you when they say they will, and are always readily available to you.  The unassuming wife would think that she had found the perfect man until the bubble burst and she discovers the web of lies and women in tow.  Jack Neo is undoubtedly Singapore’s most notorious cheating hubby.  Other famous celebrity serial cheaters are Joel Nieh, Vivian Chow’s husband, Tiger Woods, David Letterman and most recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Crazy Husband #2 – The Control Freak

These husbands are mean and controlling, and will resort to any means to manipulate their wives into submission.  On the outside, these men appear to be prime catch, but woe to the women who become their wives.  These men control you with a range of behaviours from overt, physical, domestic violence to clandestine verbal and emotional blackmail. They make all the rules; you have to follow. They are always right and you are always wrong.  Whenever things go right, you haven’t done enough, whenever things go wrong, it is always your fault. Some famous celebrity abusers are Charlie Sheen, Alec Balwin and Mel Gibson.

Crazy Husband #3 – The Compulsive Gambler

Compulsive gambling is the uncontrollable urge to continue gambling despite the harmful negative consequences.  A compulsive gambler is prone to chasing bets, and may resort to lying, cheating or stealing to support this lifestyle.  Spouses and family living with a compulsive gambler are usually fraud with acute mental and emotional stress, laden with mounting debts and even 2^nd or 3^rd mortgage loans.  Often, compulsive gamblers also have alcoholic and physical abuse tendencies.

Crazy Husband #4 – The Porn or Sex Addict

What do Michael Douglas, Robbie Williams, Jack Nicholson and former US president Bill Clinton have in common? They are all sex addicts. Dr Martha Lee, Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching clarifies “the difference between somebody who is sexual compulsive and ‘oversexed’ is that the former cannot stop his behaviour, whilst the latter might have a higher sexual drive than ‘normal’ people.  Closely related to sex addiction is pornographic addiction.  While it is common knowledge that pornography is a rite of passage for most young men, some attain a gradual craving for pornographic images (still or moving) to satisfy their daily urges.  Like most addiction, it is a condition that requires professional help.

Crazy Husband #5 – The Game Addict / the Sports Maniac

They don’t call you a ‘Sport widow’ for nothing.  A sports addict or game fanatic becomes so occupied with their sports on TV or games on their computers; they become obsessive with anything and everything to do with that particular sport or game.   You can forget about having any conversations, meals or any acknowledgement from these addicts.  How do you know if your husband is a game or sports addict?  When they prioritise the Soccer or Cricket World Cup sessions over dates with you, or when they invite soccer kakis over for sports night without informing you.

Crazy Husband #6 – The Closet Gay

It’s shocking to discover your husband’s affair with another woman. Can you imagine finding out about him being in love with another MAN? While we have not done any local studies, the Centers for Disease Control (and Prevention), CDC in the United States, estimates that at least 4 million women have been involved with men that have had sex with other men!  And according to the Family Pride Coalition, 20% of all gay men in America are in heterosexual marriages.

Most of us do not even see it coming.  But just so you know, here are some signs that your husband may be gay.

• A look, a touch or hug with another man that lasts a little too long or seems to be intimate
• Possession of homosexual pornography.
• Extreme homophobic behaviour, coupled with the other factors on this list, is a major sign your husband might be gay.
• If your husband continually makes “gay” jokes, or rages towards homosexuals or homosexual behaviour, beware!

Crazy Husband #7 – The Zoophile

Zoo-what? The zoophilia, also known as zoosexuality and bestiality, is the practice of sex between humans and animals. A person who practices zoophilia is known as a zoophile. While sex with animals is not outlawed in some countries such as Finland, Denmark, Germany and Mexico, it is illegal under the animal abuse laws in most countries. And although it is not common, there have been several documented cases of men engaging in acts of bestiality with cows, horses and dogs.  For example, the Balinese man caught having sex with a cow in Indonesia. He claimed she (the cow)seduced him!

Crazy Husband #8 – The Serial Killer

Is your husband a serial killer?  Carole Ann Boone’s husband is the infamous Ted Bundy who killed at least 38 women.  She married him during his trials and after numerous conjugal visits, conceived and gave birth to his daughter. The term ‘serial killer’ is attributed to Bundy’s fame.

In Singapore, the most famous serial killer is Adrian Lim of the Toa Payoh ritual murders in 1981.  He was ‘married’ to Tan Mui Choo and Hoe Kah Hong who helped him lured children as blood sacrifices to the Hindu goddess Kali, as a decoy to the rape charges the police were investigating against him.  Thankfully the trio were caught after the murder of a nine-year-old girl and a 10-year old boy. The trio were sentenced to death.

Crazy Husband #9 – The Stalker

When relationships end, most time the parties involved are able to move on.  Sometimes, this is not the case and there are those who become obsessed with their ex-spouse. Stalkers can not let go of a person and think they need to be around them or know where they are all the time.

Crazy Husband #10 – The Literally Crazy Husband

Does your husband have severe mood swings? One moment he is energetic and raring to go, the next he is depressive and sullen.  He could be suffering from bipolar disorder. There are two types of bipolar disorder – type I or type II, and depending on the severity, the condition can be disruptive.  When he is on high (mania phase), he may feel good for a little while before he becomes angry, irritable, and lash out when others don’t go along with their plans, or blame anyone who criticizes his behaviour. When he is at a low phase, he may have problems concentrating or remembering things, feels hopeless, sad or empty and has trouble sleeping.  There is no cure for bipolar disorder and is best to work with an experienced psychiatrist who can help you and your husband navigate the twists and turns of this disorder.

So, there you have it.  Take a good look at your husband; maybe he is not so bad after all.

Source: www.ismyspousegay.com, socyberty, wikipedia

Photo credit: girlstalkinsmack, singaporeaninlondon.com

This post first appeared on theAsianparent.com on 14 July 2011.

Zoe Tay shares on being a working mom and discipline

Grab Zoe Tay's limited edition Similac Mummy Tote bag and Gain IQ Baby Rompers and read about her boys, her discipline style and how she manages parenting with her busy lifestyle.

A revered celebrity, an award-winning actress, a doting mom to 3 lovely boys, and now, a budding designer!! Is there anything that this versatile queen cannot do? We caught up with the Queen of Caldecott at the First Moms’ & Dads’ Congress supported by Abbott Nutrition, where she was promoting her self-designed tote bag and baby rompers.

theAsianparent (TAP): Congratulations on the birth of your 3^rd son. You were invited by Similac to design a tote bag and baby romper for them. What was your inspiration?

Zoe: When Similac asked me to design a tote bag for them, I was surprised, but I thought I’d give it a try anyway. I thought long and hard and had several meetings with my manager. Finally, late one night, I was looking at the Similac teddy bear and it all came together. We decided to put the teddy bear emblem all over the bag as it is so cute.

TAP: Tell us about the Limited Edition Similac Mummy Tote Bag.

Zoe: I wanted to come up with a bag that all mothers can appreciate. So in my design, the bag has to be light-weight, waterproof, and full of compartments – bottles and mummy’s wallet on the side, diaper mat on the back and tissue papers on the front. I chose black as the background as you cannot go wrong with black. Plus men can carry and not be averse to it.

TAP: What do you look for in a tote bag?

Zoe: Practical and Fashionable, lots of pockets to put all my knick knacks.

TAP: What styles do your boys adopt?

Zoe: Boys are pretty easy; they are always in Bermudas, shorts, T-shirt, sneakers and jeans. My 2^ndson wears hand me downs from his big brother. My 2 boys have very different styles. My 1^st son is very easy. He wears whatever I take out. My 2^nd son has very strong ideas. He likes to choose his own colour and style and is very insistent on his own style.

TAP: Where do you shop or buy clothes for them.

Zoe: I shop online alot. I like baby Gap, Paul Frank and a Japanese brand called Konka’s. Also, a lot of friends give clothes to my sons as gifts.

TAP: What about yourself? What is your style?

Zoe: (with a laugh) When I was pregnant this last time, I bought normal fashion clothes that is trendy, loose and baggy, and fashionable of course. And I wear them during my pregnancy. So, now I still have a lot of nice clothes and I can fit into them.

TAP: How do you look so beautiful after giving birth to 3 kids? What are your beauty secrets?

Zoe: I watch out for my diet, and take care of my kids myself, that’s the fastest way to slim down. I keep a balanced diet and have lots of fluids, lots of fish and lots of vegetables and fruits. I love fruits. I crave fruits as other people crave for char kway teow. I also drink 2 cups of milk a day especially now because I am nursing my baby.

TAP: With such a busy schedule as mom, career woman and wife, how do you manage to do it all?

Zoe: You have to enjoy what you are doing. For me, acting is a passion and I still love doing it. Although I don’t encourage my kids into the industry because it’s tough. I also love to spend time with the kids and hear their laughter and conversation. I have so much fun and joy spending time with them.

TAP: Was there a time when you were torn between work and family? How do you find time for your kids with such demanding schedules?

Zoe: Yes! My 2^nd child has a tendency to get fever when he was young, because his older brother goes to day-care and passes the germs to him. Once, when he was a few months old, I was on set filming and I got a call. He had a fever of 40 degrees. I couldn’t leave work. I had to call my mom and neighbour to help send him to the hospital. Luckily I have a very nice neighbour.

As mothers, you always feel guilty when you go to work. When I’m home, I try to take care of the baby myself. Luckily, my babies are very well taken care of by my helpers. You have to let go sometimes. If you want helpers to help you, you must trust them to help.

TAP: What is your discipline style? Who is the disciplinarian at home – you or Philip?

Zoe: I’m more strict. When it comes to parenting, Philip and I will talk and we try to respect each other’s parenting style. We always try to be calm and when one is disciplining the child, we do not get involve. Like there was once, Philip was disciplining my son. He came to me for help. But I told him, no, he must listen to “baba” – father.

TAP: Do you send your kids for enrichment classes? How do you coach them?

Zoe: I consult lots of my friends for advice on the best enrichment classes to send the boys. But I don’t want to over-stress them. My mother-in-law is a teacher, so she helps to teach them in Maths and English.

TAP: With the recent interest in teaching kids to speak Mandarin. How do you enforce your children to speak the language?

Zoe: The kids have to speak the language. You have to force them to speak Mandarin. For example, if they know how to say table in English, you must ask or teach them to say it in Mandarin. Create an environment for them to learn, play games with them in Chinese, and let them understand the culture. That is very important.

Click here to get Zoe’s limited edition Similac Mummy Tote bag (300 pieces only) and Gain IQ Baby Rompers before 4 Feb.

This post first appeared on theAsianparent.com in 2011