The class bully

70% of 4,000 Singaporean students surveyed, reported some kind of bullying experience during their education life. While bullying cases in Singapore are nowhere as violent as in the US, they are definitely on the rise!

While bullying cases in Singapore are nowhere as violent or deadly as in the United States, they are on the rise.

70% of the 4,000 Singaporean students surveyed, reported some kind of bullying experience during their education life. Conducted by the Harvest Centre for Research, Training and Development and the Coalition Against Bullying for Children and Youth, the 2006 survey revealed that bullying occurred even in pre-schools.

While most of the bullying occurred mainly in the canteens and playgrounds in primary school (grades 1 through 6), the bullying in secondary schools (grades 7 through 12) also took place inside the classroom and in the toilets.

Even more worrying is the advent of cyber bullying which entails sending insults, pornographic images and threats of bodily harm via internet or the cellphone. Where traditional bullying was limited to physical or verbal abuse, the internet has given the bullies a longer arm to intimidate and torment their victims.

Wired Safety, the world’s largest internet safety, help and education resource, monitors 76 countries on cyber abuse. It reported that Singapore has the highest incidence of Internet bullying among kids outside of the United States!

Parry Aftab, its Washington-based executive director, said the results were shocking as he has “been to Singapore and seen how well-behaved the children are.”

What is Bullying?

Bullying is the act of intimidating and coercing a weaker individual or group to do something against their will, with the intention to cause physical, mental or emotional harm through harassment and assault.

The most common form of bullying among children is verbal abuse, which can come in the form of taunts, teasing or name calling. If unchecked, this form of abuse can escalate into physical terrorizing like kicking, thrashing and even rape.

Why do Children Bully?

Bullies generally start at a young age, with boys exhibiting physical terror and girls leaning towards emotional or psychological intimidation.

Children bully for various reasons – to seek attention from their peers and parents, to feel significant and in control, and to imitate violent adults or television programs.

James* who used to bully as a child, said that he did it to make friends as “the new kid in school.” He adds that “the bully is the most insecure person in class generally.”

Effects of Bullying…

Bullying has long-term effects on the victim and the bully. For the former, it robs them of their self-confidence, emotional well-being and future promises. For the latter, it is an erosion of self-worth and a rapid decline into an addiction in torment to boost their ego.

The fear and emotional trauma that a victim suffers can provoke a greater tendency to drop out of school. Some children who are bullied become bullies themselves. And young bullies who are not disciplined eventually become abusive adults, and/or criminals.

What to Look Out For…

Victims will not complain for fear of repercussions from the bully. However, they usually exhibit some of the symptoms listed below:

1. trouble sleeping

2. difficulty paying attention in class or any activities

3. make frequent excuses to skip school

4. sudden shunning of a previously-favoured activity like riding a school bus or visiting the playground

5. appear troubled, listless and discouraged constantly

How to protect your child from the Bully

Unfortunately, bullying is a rite of passage to growing up. Managing bullies is an important life-skill to impart to your child.

1. Seeking Help. With the recent spike in school violence, it is critical that we take the child’s worries seriously. Acknowledge your child’s bravery by seeking help. Assess the severity of the bullying situation – whether it is something that your child can handle or if you need to step in with the authorities (school or police).

2. Explain the dynamics of bullying. Despite their loud and bold actions, bullies are basically cowards who gravitate towards easy targets, namely the weaker sex, the younger age, the less aggressive and the loner. They act mean and put others down to cover up their own insecurities and lack of confidence. Bullying is defused when their power and control is taken away.

3. Empower Your Child. Brainstorm with your child on ways to deal with a less severe bullying situation. Help the child come up with a realistic and executable plan to deal with the bully, like partnering up with a pal, or not reacting to the bully’s taunts. If the bullying is not severe, allow the child to manage his own affairs. This will raise his self esteem significantly. Martial arts classes are also a great confidence booster as they are good places to learn about discipline and defensive strategies.

4. Talk about your own experiences. Share your own experiences in school. This will help the child know that he is not alone in such situations. Also, offer him a wide array of age appropriate books and movies with being “true-to-self” and triumph over harassments themes. For example, “The Breakfast Club”, “Mean Girls”, “Clueless” for the older kids and “Clifford the Big Red Dog” or Tigger and Pooh gang for the younger ones.

5. Foster out-of-school friendships. Get kids involved in extracurricular activities like youth church or other classes where they can create another social group and learn new skills. This will also offer them another perspective on the oppressive situation.

6. Keep a close eye on the situation. Monitor the state of your child and the bullying. If things don’t improve, with your child’s agreement, contact the relevant authorities and get a resolution to the problem.

This article first appeared in theAsianparent.com

Aggressive kids

Occasional displays of childhood aggression are quite common in children. Here's why it happens and how to prevent it.

My daughter was once at a play date with our neighbour’s son, when he bit her on the cheek. His mother immediately apologised to us, and explained that he bites quite often and only did it “out of affection.” She continued to justify her son’s biting habit with explanations and apologies as we tried to calm our teary 18-month-old. Nothing was done except for the initial chiding of the little boy. Needless to say, we did not accept further play dates with said neighbour’s child. And we were also on alert whenever the boy was around our little girl.

Causes of Aggression
Occasional displays of childhood aggression are quite common in children between ages one to three as they hit and bite for various reasons – imitation of peers, teething woes, frustrations or testing of cause and effect. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, various forms of physical aggression in children are fairly common as they have not learnt how to control their emotions.

“It’s very natural for little kids to bite as they’re not very good at explaining things to others because they are just beginning to understand and grasp language. So when they are very angry and frustrated, it’s easy just to bite,” said Early Childhood Education instructor, Jennifer Hardacre.

Prevention is better than Cure
It is always easier to prevent a habit than to stop it. Whenever you see your child beginning to hit or bite you or another child, block the attack before it makes contact. Reinforce your intention with a stern admonition, “That’s not allowed!”

If the child is unable to cope with his emotional outburst, envelop him in a gentle lock position where he is unable to hurt himself or anyone until he is calmer. Alternatively, you may wish to place him in a time-out zone for an age-appropriate amount of time.

Finally, talk to him and explain why hitting or biting is not allowed. Use words such as, “We don’t use our hands for hitting,” or “Biting hurts.”

Be mindful to let the child know that it is the behaviour you are displeased with and not the child.

On top of it all, recognize the child’s frustration or anger and help him or her identify and label the emotions. Teach him/her to verbalize the emotions rather than acting it out. Demonstrate that when he/she feels angry or upset, the child could say, “I’m angry because…” or “I’m upset with…”

Enforce Your Leadership Position
When they are prevented from hitting or biting, most children will respond with tears or defiance. How the parents react is therefore, crucial to the future behaviour of the child. The sight of tears rolling down their child’s face is enough to tug at the heartstrings of any parent. Many parents mistake patience and love with non-discipline and children are quick to pick up on this Achilles’ heel. Others have difficulty managing their child’s open defiance, and hide behind statements like: “Boys will be boys” or “It’s just a phase.”

Studies have shown that aggressive childhood behaviour that is not corrected, breeds adults with violent tendencies. Hence, it is prudent that parents are firm in their authority as leaders of the family and clearly define what is considered as acceptable behaviour in their household and when interacting with others outside the home.

Other contributing factors
While some biting is normal, repeated biting or hitting may indicate a more serious behaviourial problem that requires expert intervention. Children who regularly hit, bite or scratch may be manifesting underlying emotions such as jealousy, displacement, unhappiness, or anxiety. Once these needs are met, the aggression will naturally dissipate.

Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, claims that children behave aggressively as a defence mechanism to their feelings of “helplessness.” She recommends playing power games such as ‘Simon Says’ and incorporating child-friendly activities that allow the child to have some control into the family routine.

Exposure to violent television programs could be another trigger for aggression and parents should monitor their kids’ viewing menu very carefully.

Another little known culprit that has been linked to aggressive childhood behaviour is Salicylate. It was discovered by Dr. Benjamin Feingold, a paediatrician and Chief of Allergy at the Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in San Francisco. Salicylate is a chemical commonly found in aspirin and many natural foods, and is believed to be one cause of ADHD symptoms (disruptive behaviour, restlessness, impulsivity etc).

While many parents are embarrassed and horrified by their child’s anti-social behaviour, they can eliminate the pattern by coming out of denial, changing the situation, teaching acceptable alternatives to biting and providing closer supervision. As with all challenging behaviours, parents are reminded to practice positive parenting consistently by praising their kid for appropriate behaviours even as they work on eliminating those unacceptable responses and reactions that may be causing concern for all involved.

This article first appeared in theAsianparent.com